You make it feel like Chrismukkah
by SongBird394
Summary: Ryan and the Cohens go to Aspen for Christmas. It is here Ryan realizes he simply can't get past Marissa. or can he? Review isn't good but if you are a die hard MarissaRyan fan and can't see them with anyone else...then read this oneshot


Faith Hill was singing on the radio, asking where Christmas was. Ryan Atwood was thinking the same thing. He stared out into the snowy landscape scene before his eyes. He couldn't believe how long it had been since he had seen actual snow. At this point it didn't even matter. His thoughts weren't on the snow really though, his mind was in a different time. He thought back to the best Christmas of his life. The one he had last year. Even with all the drama that Johnny brought…his life had been close to perfect. Ryan had great family, friends and most importantly the best girl.

Marissa had been alive last Christmas. And now she was not. The pain sliced into his heart. He couldn't deal with it.

He remembered their first Chrismukkah together. He remembered going to the mall, shopping, and having a great time. It didn't end so well with them. But timing never was good for them, not really. A couple times the stars would align but never for long enough. But for that one day, he remembered thinking his life could be amazing.

The next year had been one of those misalignment years. He hadn't focused on the one person who meant the most. But it had been okay. Because somewhere, somehow, he knew that one day Marissa would come back to him. That thought was gone. It was all gone. He couldn't touch her. He couldn't hug her and hold her again. Just to sit. And stay with her. But he couldn't. And he knew it.

A knock on his door had Ryan turning quickly. "Come in."

"Hey man, sorry, to interrupt your brooding session, I just need to see if you're coming to the hot tub with me and Summer."

"No, you go ahead. I wanna check out Aspen. Outside."

"Whatever, man. But you'll come back for like dinner and stuff?"

"Yeah."

Ryan grabbed his jacket and scarf before heading outside. There was a light dusting of snow on the ground but it was growing. He took a deep breath. He knew he was running. He didn't know what from. But he was running. He couldn't spend time with Summer and Seth. He couldn't. It would never be the same, and nothing would ever compare. In fact, it only ever made it worse. Seeing them as happy as they used to be, Ryan watched and envied. Their love had been equal to his and Marissa's. At least, he hoped she knew that. She had died in his arms and he hadn't had the brains to tell her how much she meant. But he thought if he had been corny and said it, it wouldn't have meant as much. It would have been so…forced. But…he had felt it. He hoped Marissa knew.

Ryan trudged deeper into the woods, looking around him for something…a sign. He hadn't come out looker for a sign purposely, he guess it just happened. For some reason he had wanted to go to Aspen. He had asked the Cohens and they had agreed. It was the only thing he had ever asked of them.

A branch blew with the wind and Ryan watched it. He saw deer tracks and he smelled fresh snow. It was peaceful but something was tugging at him.

"What's the point?" He screamed and it echoed back to him. "What the fck's the point? Why can I be here and she can't? Why?" He grabbed a twig and he threw it as forcefully as he could. He saw it bounce and go over a hill. As it landed, he heard a sound. Confused, Ryan took a cautious step forward. Peering over the hill, he saw a small deer caught on a fence.

_Let it go _

Ryan whirled around, "Who said that?" But no one was there. "Seth? This isn't funny." Ryan waited a few minutes and no one said anything. He rubbed his hand over his face and took a deep breath. "I need more sleep."

Looking at the deer, Ryan decided he needed to help out the poor creature. Its hoof was caught on the fence and seemed to be injured. "Hey there, girl, come here. Let me just get you out." He reached a tentative hand out. The deer didn't move. His hand gently touched the animal. He felt this rush of….emotion, pain, confusion and love sweep through him. He pulled his hand back. "What the?" He took a step back, completely confused. Had he drank something?

He gulped and reached out again. His hand just touched fur…but nothing happened. "What is going _on_?" he asked himself. Running a hand through his hair he set his shoulders and knelt down next to the fawn's hoof. He touched it lightly but once again, the deer didn't leave. Ryan had this weird feeling in him but he didn't know what it was. He tugged lightly but the animal was stuck tighter than he thought. He didn't know how to let the animal go.

"Come on babe, just…I don't know how to do this. I can't do this on my own. Wait. I know, I'll get help. Don't move. Sandy will know what to do. Wait." He smiled, realizing the helpless deer wasn't going anywhere.

Jogging back to the Chalet, Ryan found Sandy and Kirsten arguing over the best way to consume hot chocolate.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt," Ryan said breathlessly.

"No problem kid." Sandy said, standing up. He hadn't seen Ryan this worked up in a long time. It was almost weirdly reassuring.

"There's…this deer. Stuck. I don't know what to do. I need to let it loose. I need help. I need your help."

"Where?" Sandy asked.

Ryan didn't answer he just turned and started jogging, Sandy followed him. Ryan jogged all the way to the hill, then he slowed down so he would not scare the fawn when he approached. Sandy caught up just as Ryan stepped over the hill.

"Wait. I don't understand." Ryan stared. Sandy stepped up to be beside Ryan.

"Where to from here?" He asked. Ryan shook his head and kept staring in shock.

"It…it was right there. I saw it…it was so tight. I couldn't help it. Couldn't let it go by myself. Needed help…I don't…"

Sandy put an arm around Ryan, and pulled him close. "Hey, maybe it wasn't here," he suggested but Ryan shook his head vehemently. "Guess it was stronger than you thought, then. What were you doing out here anyway?" Sandy asked with a concerned tone to his voice.

"I…just wanted some air. Can you give me a sec?" Ryan asked, stepping away.

Sandy wasn't sure that was a good idea but he knew he didn't want to push Ryan either.

"Okay, well be back soon, dinner is gonna be served soon and I mean…it's a 5 star place so you don't wanna miss it."

"Right. Back soon."

As soon as Sandy left, Ryan sank to his knees in the snow. Was he going crazy? What was going on? He had tried so hard to let that deer go. But he couldn't. He couldn't do it. So he had got Sandy and…

Wait. Wait a minute. Was there some sort of parallel here? The way he had felt when he touched the deer…the way he had been feeling before he saw it…he had come to Aspen…into this forest…for a reason. Maybe he had found it. But it was crazy wasn't it? His girlfriend reincarnated in a deer? No. But, what if? Something had said to let it go. Let it go. But he couldn't do it…without help. Was this crazy? Yeah. Yeah it was. He needed to eat, that's all. He was seeing Marissa wherever he could.

Just then Ryan heard a rustling in the trees and he looked over to see the deer. It was watching him. He looked at the leg that had been trapped in the fence, and it was fine. Ryan shook his head. No. But what if…

"Are you…" But he couldn't finish. "No. No."

_Let it go.  
_

Ryan felt this rush of….love sweep through him. It was the best he had felt in months. He closed his eyes. "Marissa…?" But when he opened them, the deer and all traces of it were gone. He had missed his chance. Again.

"No. Noooo. Marissa, I love you. I love you."

In the distance, he heard part of the song Far Away by Nickelback. It was weird. He should have been too far from the Chalet to hear music but…

_I need to hear you say  
I love you  
I have loved you all along  
And I forgive you  
For being away for far too long  
So keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore  
_

"I can't move on Marissa. Whether you can hear me or not…I don't know, but I'm not taking chances. I can't. I loved you too much. Do love. I won't just move on. It's not that easy. You make it feel like Christmas for me. You make me feel. And now you're gone and what do I do? I don't even know. I'll hold onto you forever."

_Believe it  
Hold on to me, and never let me go  
Keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_

And as the song ended, so did the music, in fact all sound just seemed to cease. What is going on? Ryan thought to himself. And then it hit him…sort of. What if…he needed to live again. He could keep Marissa with him, have her follow him…but what if he just…kept breathing? Ryan let another heavy sigh go. He was not sure what to believe but he knew it was getting dark and he couldn't sit in the snow forever. He took one last look around and turned back to the Chalet.

Sandy and Seth were just coming into the woods when Ryan emerged from the forest.

"Hey man, Dad said you were lost…"

"No, well sort of. I'm okay now though, I guess."

"Good to hear because Kirsten was going to make me send a search party if you weren't back in five minutes. Why are you smiling, I'm not kidding."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. Oh, did you find the deer?" Sandy asked looking at the snow in front of him.

"No, why?" Ryan asked and then his eyes caught where Sandy was looking. Behind Ryan in the snow, were deer tracks. Ryan smiled. Christmas was here.


End file.
